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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

YNTE Movie Night: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan


So while I was writing those other two movie reviews tonight, I had a movie going on the other monitor and it was SO GOOD I had to write about it immediately. You know, good in a YNTE Movie Night sense, where it's terrible, but fun to watch and loudly criticize.

The movie of course, was "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan", and before you ask, yes, that is really the title. They decided to go with "VIII" instead of "8" because this is a CLASSY film.

Before I get into the plot of this movie, a bit of background for those who haven't seen the first VII movies. They center around Jason Vorhees, who, as a child, attended Camp Crystal Lake. He didn't know how to swim and drowned as the lifeguards were off fucking instead of watching the kids. Since then, he returns on the anniversary of his death to kill camp counselors and other promiscuous teens.

Flash forward to this film. The main character (as a child, in flashback) is out boating on Crystal Lake with her creepy uncle who is giving her shit about still no knowing how to swim. He points out that Jason drowned here because he didn't know how to swim, and if she doesn't learn how to swim, she will drown too. He follows up this totally child-appropriate pep talk by pushing her out of the boat and telling her if she doesn't swim, Jason will grab her and drag her to the bottom of the lake. I should take uncle lessons from this guy, because he clearly knows how to motivate children.

Of course, this being a movie, as soon as he says that, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Deformed child Jason grabs onto the already drowning girl and drags her deeper into the lake. Somehow she survives but her parents die and she is raised by Uncle Doucher.

As she graduates High School, many of her peers congregate on a cruise ship from Crystal Lake to New York city, which is a little shady since I was under the impression Crystal Lake was in Illinois. Geography aside, Jason of course hops on board the ship and hitches a ride to NYC, murderin' all the way. Some would point out that it is out of character for Jason to leave Crystal Lake as he has no motivation to do so, and they would be right, but since in two films he will be in space, I'm going to let it slide.

They are on this boat for a very long time. They might as well have called this movie "Friday the 13th Part VII: I'm on a Boat" since they don't set foot in New York until after an hour into the 90 minute movie.

Jason's victims try out a new tactic this movie, which they hadn't tried previously: sitting there doing nothing. Nobody really fights the dude. They just sit there and get murdered. ONE GUY fights back by punching Jason repeatedly for like 2 minutes straight (not exaggerating) and Jason just stands there and takes it because hey, this is the movies and only one person can be agressive at a time.

Oh, and of course as soon as the guy runs out of energy and stops punching, Jason decapitates him with one punch. Decapipunches are real, right?

Anyway, about an hour into the movie, Jason throws a guy at a computer which causes the boat to burn up. A few survivors manage to escape in a rowboat. Uncle Doucher does not help row, but has snide remarks for those who do. They finally manage to row their way to shore in New York, which once again raises Geography questions. Where are they originally from where New York is a couple hours away from rowboat distance yet is still a destination? I'm led to believe Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey which goes a long way to explain Jason's temprament.

Meanwhile, while they are rowing, Jason, is swimming behind them. Let me repeat that: Jason, on whom this entire series is predicated on not being able to swim, IS SWIMMING. And not just swimming, but swimming in the open ocean during a storm and keeping pace with a rowboat.

There's a brief break here for the main character to get kidnapped by gangbangers and dosed with Heroin to remind the viewer that this is New York. THEM STREETS IS VICIOUS YO.

Then back to the Murderin'! Jason chases them through the city past literally hundreds of easier targets/witnesses. Uncle Doucher gets drowned (irony!).

The chase culminates in a sewer with the last two survivors trying to escape up a ladder with Jason just feet below them. All of a sudden, TIDAL WAVE! Despite the fact that he had just survived being hit by a car and electrocuted, despite the fact that just minutes before he showed olympic level swimming ability, despite the fact that he spent the two years between the last movie and now chained to a rock underwater, six feet of water drowns him and he dies.

But the craziest fucking thing is this: when the water washes away, instead of adult Jason's body, it is child Jason's body. Why? Umm... symbolism? They find their dog. Credits.

Honestly, there is no point anymore in making a Jason parody because it has alrready been made and it was this movie. Completely unintentional. Just the way I like it.


BONUS CONTENT:
This is the song Alice Cooper wrote for Friday the 13th part VI. It contains such AWESOME lyrics as "You're deep in love, but you're deeper in the woods".

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