This is not a YNTE Movie Night.

I envisioned the YNTE Movie Night as a way we could all watch terrible movies together and have a laugh at their expense. Fun times are had by all! But this month, that just wouldn't be the case. I can't recommend you see this movie, even to laugh at it, because I like you people, and this is maybe the worst movie ever made.

The movie I saw this month is M. Night Shayamalan's "The Happening", and it is maybe the worst movie ever.


Let's start with the tagline: "We've Sensed It. We've Seen The Signs. Now... It's Happening." From this tagline, we can learn two things: 1, that the marketing guy they hired LOVES capital letters, and 2, there is nothing good about this movie we can market other than "You Liked That Guy's Other Movies, Right? Remember?"

The movie start off with Marky Mark teaching a junior high science class about bees. He then proceeds to deal with an uncooperative student by saying "You're a pretty boy, but in the future you'll be ugly! You should care about science! Say hi to your mother for me!" He then goes on to posit that at times, the best scientific explanation is that things don't make any scientific sense. This is to plant the seed in your mind that later on, when things don't make a lick of sense, it's because of SCIENCE.

Next, we meet Zoe Deschanel, who is way too good of an actress to be in this movie. She's dating Marky Mark, but in the ultimate example of wish fulfilment, is cheating on him with none other than M. Night Shamalan.

The movie also has John Luigi-gezamo, a math teacher who is convinced that statistics is just about making up numbers.

Now here is the plot: Humans have a special part of the brain that has one purpose -- preventing the person from killing themselves. Plants are pissed that humans have been killing them for years, so the plants team up with the wind to murder people, but only in New England. The plants exact their revenge by emitting a toxin that overrides your brains notkillyourself center. Then, after a few days the plants get bored or something and stop. It makes no sense, but come on people, SCIENCE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE OR BE ACCURATE, IT'S SCIENCE.

The real problem with the movie is that not one person in it does a single thing that makes logical sense. EVER. The best example of this is when Marky Mark and pals come upon a group of people who have holed up in their house to wait it out. He asks to be let inside for some food. The people inside tell him that they are waiting it out and will not open their doors or windows for any reason, as the virus may get into the house. Marky Mark refuses to let it go, but the house people are insistent that they will not open up the door or windows. They then illustrate this point by opening up the windows to SHOOT KIDS. And this is just one of the many times in the movie where you will be scratching your head in confusion.

You would think the ending would be "plants are out to get us, maybe we should start being nice to the environment." Or perhaps "plants are out to get us, lets kill all the plants". Or at least "plants are killing us, lets at least act like we care or take some sort of action as a result". None of those were the ending. Instead they went with "plants are out to get us, BUT SCIENCE IS CONFUSING so we will continue our lives as if nothing happened.

"Unexplainable Force of Nature" my ass. It's just flat out lazy storytelling. And it's inexcusable.

This is worse than "The Village", which was about an old timey cult of people with bizarre rituals but it's actually just crazy people in a national park. This is worse than "Lady in the Water", where a lady is found in a swimming pool, but she's actually a mythical creature called a "Narf" who is at risk of being killed by grass dog monsters. M. Night's movies aren't so bad they're good, or so bad they're funny, like many of the YNTE Movie Night selections. They're so bad, they're REALLY FUCKING BAD.

Yet for some reason, I keep watching them. Will I see "The Last Airbender", in which all the Asian character must be played by white actors unless they're bad guys? Probably. Will I see "Devil", a movie in which 5 people are stuck in an elevator and one of them IS THE DEVIL? Also probably. I was going to compare watching his movies to staring at a car crash, in that it's horrible and you can't look away. But this is more like watching a guy crash a car, get out, crash another car, get out crash another car, and people keep giving him cars because he successfully drove once 10 years ago.

Honestly, this movie was bad. Really, really bad. Do not see it. But if you're like me, and despite knowing exactly how bad it will be watch it anyway, I am sorry.